Dear Little People,
It is with the utmost sincerity and all due respect that I write to you today. It has come to my attention that you silly little fucks have been sorely distracted by this trifle of a Democratic primary. I’m here to remind you that Donald Trump said something stupid, that Ben Carson is sleep-walking his way to a fifth place finish, Ted Cruz is a crazy coo-coo bird who likely engages in self-abuse while reading Atlas Shrugged in a pool of delicious, Canadian maple syrup (because syrup from Vermont has no chance of winning), Sarah Palin said something stupid, too, don’t forget that, and the Super Bowl is this weekend.
These are the things you should focus your attention on. You may think it’s cute to pretend like you’re involved in the largest political grassroots movement in for fucking ever, but I don’t think it’s cute at all. I’m a Very Serious Person. Change is hard. Waaaaaaay too fucking hard for some dewey-eyed neophyte like you. Change takes generations. It’s not like you can get to the gawddamn moon in less than a decade, you dolt. That could never happen. Change is an arduous, soul-crushing, grinding process that is designed by us Very Serious People to be counterintuitive. Because fuck you.
It is with that in mind that I encourage you, Very Seriously, to focus on what really matters. You know, people running into and away from each other in relationship to the movement of a football. Talk about how this might be Peyton Manning’s last game. Or that Cam Newton is disrespectful and overrated. Talk about Trump, Palin, Jeb! Bush’s slide into obscurity. Hell, talk about the Dixie Chicks- they’re touring again. While you’re at it, read fact and data free editorials from Very Serious People about the ridiculous ideas that Bernie Sanders is promoting. Sure, they’ve been a part of the Democratic Platform for nearly a century, and Hillary Clinton supported them 25 years ago, but the point is that now she doesn’t, and she’s Very Serious. She knows that her ideas were shit when she promoted them, which is why she doesn’t promote them any more. She has experience. And that experience has taught her that you don’t have to worry about rising or sinking tides if you never get in the fucking boat in the first place. That’s pragmatism right there.
Above all, simply stand aside and let the growups handle this one. We know better than you. Our superior Serious Brains understand that watered down legislation with no chance of positively effecting your quality of life is the only course of action to take. Anything else would require dedication and work, and that’s for suckers. Serious People have fundraisers to attend at questionable financial institutions. Serious People know that it’s way easier to let lobbyists write the legislation for you, because doing the work yourself is something a dolt would suggest.
So, phone it in, America. We’ve got you covered. Well, not we, specifically. There’s an exchange you can sign up for, and it might cost you a bit extra or save you some money depending on which provider you go through. We really don’t understand the process- that’s why we let the Serious People with a profit margin to attain do the work.
Change is hard. Go back to sleep.
Best Regards,
A Very Serious Person