Are you upset over the harsh treatment going on during the primary season here at the Great Orange Satan? Do you feel like all the infighting is turning this cesspool into, erm..., a cesspool? Are you writing diaries about why you aren’t reading diaries? Do you feel like you need to lead by example and rise above the bullshit? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then guess what, buckaroo? You’re in the wrong fucking place! I’ve developed a little quiz to determine the primary season readiness of our pie-slinging Kossacks.
1) Have you ever un-ironically typed the words “Dudebro” or “Ladybro”?
2) Have you ever used the phrase “Reptilian corporate shill”?
3) Would you rather see your party collapse in a heap of right-wing fascism than compromise your lifelong convictions (you know, the ones you discovered five months ago) if your candidate doesn’t make it to the general election?
4) Have you made an appointment for Lasik due to chronic eye-rolling in the comment threads?
5) Are you intentionally starting a comment with *sigh*?
6) Have you replaced every user name of the Kossacks with whom you disagree (at least, in your head) with “Wrongy McWrongerson”?
7) Do you find yourself using the phrases “free stuff” or “chronic liar”?
8) Are you taking time off from making fun of the batshittery going on in the GOP to point out a fundamental flaw in a Kossack’s diary? This is not limited to, but including, prepositional phrases, general enthusiasm, or conveniently revising history to jive with your narrative.
9) Does it require four bottles of Malbec and every Joan Baez album ever for you to go to sleep less angry?
10) Is your pot dealer telling you to only call twice a day?
Now, on a piece of scratch paper (that’s where we did our work before everyone had a phone, tablet, or graphing calculator- fuck, I’m old), tally your “yes” and “no” answers, and look below to find your grade.
0-1 “Yeses”= Sorry, kid. You aren’t nearly enough of an asshole to participate in the pie fight. Go on a nature walk, you granola-humping tree clown!
2-4 “Yeses”= You scored “snippy”. This means you can comment without expecting a rec or a reply. This will cause constipation of the fingers as your frustration builds, making you much more dickish. You’re on your way, tiger!
5-7 “Yeses”= Asshole achievement unlocked. You’re almost as much of prick to your fellow Democrats as you are to Republicans. Congratulations! You’re part of the fucking problem.
8-10 “Yeses”= You probably work at Breitbart.com and think Ted Cruz is a pussy for not shooting every moderator at the GOP debates. Right now, you’re wearing a .38 Special t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and wishing you lived closer to Ted Nugent.